I thoughtI thought you would stop me when I reached my doorstepI thought by yexy
I thought you would throw open the car door and shout "Wait!"
I thought you would wrap me in your arms and kiss my eyelids and tell me it'll all be okay
I thought you would
But you didn't.
I thought you might text me after, while I laid in my bed fully clothed
I thought you might say you're outside my door, waiting
I thought you might change your mind after all and you would let me love you
I thought you might
But you didn't.
I thought I'd be angry; I'm not
I thought it'd hurt less; well, it doesn't.
I thought my heart was prepared for this mess and I'd handle it and I'd be able to look you in the eye and smile when the end came but it wasn't supposed to be so soon.
I thought I would get the chance to tell you eloquently how I felt and I could say good bye to you in the sweet sheets of early morning.
I thought I could hold you close one more time and have a goodbye that I could hold onto when you were no longer in my arms
CommunityI am always on the edges, on the outside of communityCommunity by yexy
I will always be the new girl
A little odd, sticking out like a sore thumb
I couldn't blend in if I tried
I used to be the first to arrive and the last to leave...
At least these days I try to stick to one or the other.
When I was a kid I used to try so hard
And here I am at 26 years old repeating patterns
Oh god please
Don't shove me away but don't expect me to follow you either.
I am standoffish 'cause I am scared and not because I dislike you.
I am skittish and I am loud
I am quiet and I am best at not making eye contact.
I am defensive and I just want to make someone feel something.
I want connection and I want you to stay the hell away from the places
that still ache from the last time I tried to find
Don't you dare try to hold me in!
Don't label me
I will jump in with both feet and give
every word I've got to heal someone else's hurt
but I will fucking bite you if you try to hold me d
Ugly memoriesTwo living things have died by my hand.Ugly memories by yexy
The eyes went cloudy almost a year apart, and it has been 10 or so more years since the second one.
But it crosses my mind unexpectedly, and my heart and my stomach still lurch and the strangled scream still sits in my throat.
The first was a quiet death.
It was a baby chick, all yellow and fuzzy and full of cheep cheeps.
I was raising it in a cardboard box in my room.
After a few nights of listening to it calling from the box, I felt sorry for it and put it on my bed.
It snuggled up to me and we fell asleep together, the cheeping finally silent.
I felt so much love well up for the little fluffball.
I slept deep that night.
In the morning, I awoke, slightly disoriented.
I groggily remembered the chick and listened for it.
Nothing. "It must still be asleep."
I opened my eyes, sat up and looked for it.
After a moment, I found it, damp and lifeless.
I had rolled over and suffocated it in the night.
I remember first being calm.
Praying for it.
I remember youI remember you.I remember you by yexy
I know we don't talk any more and it would probably be awkward if we did but--
Not every day; sometimes even a week goes by without your voice in my head
I mean, life DOES go on and all. We've gone our separate paths and yet
My heart still aches when I am least expecting it.
I remember the first time we met. The instant connection.
The "Oh shit, I am in trouble." that went though my mind.
Your very shy smile and deep voice.
I remember how you always ordered sweet and sour pork
Until I insisted I was paying and you were trying something different for once, damn it.
I remember pretending to be your girlfriend to fend off your crazy co-worker
I remember wishing, wishing it was true
It didn't work but it was fun to pretend
to whisper sweet nothings in your ear.
Timothy was a good sport for the whole thing.
I remember touring my old burnt out apartment building with you.
Telling you "this was home."
I remember clinging white-knuckled to your car door as we drove