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I thoughtI thought you would stop me when I reached my doorstep
I thought you would throw open the car door and shout "Wait!"
I thought you would wrap me in your arms and kiss my eyelids and tell me it'll all be okay
I thought you would
But you didn't.
I thought you might text me after, while I laid in my bed fully clothed
I thought you might say you're outside my door, waiting
I thought you might change your mind after all and you would let me love you
I thought you might
But you didn't.
I thought I'd be angry; I'm not
I thought it'd hurt less; well, it doesn't.
I thought my heart was prepared for this mess and I'd handle it and I'd be able to look you in the eye and smile when the end came but it wasn't supposed to be so soon.
I thought I would get the chance to tell you eloquently how I felt and I could say good bye to you in the sweet sheets of early morning.
I thought I could hold you close one more time and have a goodbye that I could hold onto when you were no longer in my arms
CommunityI am always on the edges, on the outside of community
I will always be the new girl
A little odd, sticking out like a sore thumb
I couldn't blend in if I tried
I used to be the first to arrive and the last to leave...
At least these days I try to stick to one or the other.
When I was a kid I used to try so hard
And here I am at 26 years old repeating patterns
Oh god please
Don't shove me away but don't expect me to follow you either.
I am standoffish 'cause I am scared and not because I dislike you.
I am skittish and I am loud
I am quiet and I am best at not making eye contact.
I am defensive and I just want to make someone feel something.
I want connection and I want you to stay the hell away from the places
that still ache from the last time I tried to find
Don't you dare try to hold me in!
Don't label me
I will jump in with both feet and give
every word I've got to heal someone else's hurt
but I will fucking bite you if you try to hold me d
Ugly memoriesTwo living things have died by my hand.
The eyes went cloudy almost a year apart, and it has been 10 or so more years since the second one.
But it crosses my mind unexpectedly, and my heart and my stomach still lurch and the strangled scream still sits in my throat.
The first was a quiet death.
It was a baby chick, all yellow and fuzzy and full of cheep cheeps.
I was raising it in a cardboard box in my room.
After a few nights of listening to it calling from the box, I felt sorry for it and put it on my bed.
It snuggled up to me and we fell asleep together, the cheeping finally silent.
I felt so much love well up for the little fluffball.
I slept deep that night.
In the morning, I awoke, slightly disoriented.
I groggily remembered the chick and listened for it.
Nothing. "It must still be asleep."
I opened my eyes, sat up and looked for it.
After a moment, I found it, damp and lifeless.
I had rolled over and suffocated it in the night.
I remember first being calm.
Praying for it.
I remember youI remember you.
I know we don't talk any more and it would probably be awkward if we did but--
Not every day; sometimes even a week goes by without your voice in my head
I mean, life DOES go on and all. We've gone our separate paths and yet
My heart still aches when I am least expecting it.
I remember the first time we met. The instant connection.
The "Oh shit, I am in trouble." that went though my mind.
Your very shy smile and deep voice.
I remember how you always ordered sweet and sour pork
Until I insisted I was paying and you were trying something different for once, damn it.
I remember pretending to be your girlfriend to fend off your crazy co-worker
I remember wishing, wishing it was true
It didn't work but it was fun to pretend
to whisper sweet nothings in your ear.
Timothy was a good sport for the whole thing.
I remember touring my old burnt out apartment building with you.
Telling you "this was home."
I remember clinging white-knuckled to your car door as we drove
Heroes and VillainsAmong Humanity, there are no heroes.
For when you meet a 'hero' in the flesh, you find they are just as easily pierced as yourself.
Our heroes are flawed.
They bleed, they get angry, they make mistakes--just like you.
They are no more inherently good than the next person on the street.
We hold them up as gods and we dash them to the dust when they can no longer meet our ridiculous expectations.
We abuse them when they show the slightest crack. We abandon them when they fall--how could they DO that to us!
After all the good they've pretended to do, it turns out they're just a sham, a lie; they lied to us!
They were supposed to save us. What good is a hero who breaks?
A good hero can do no wrong. A good hero is strong!
There are no heroes, darling.
There are no heroes--and there are no villains.
But of course there are villains--for what is a hero without an enemy to fight?
Why, I could name half a dozen villains myself, right now. I could.
But our villains are flawed, too.
They feel pai
(Do Not) Fear MeDarling, do not fear me.
Let me scale the walls of your distrust
Let me work at the stones
And clear the locks of their rust.
Darling, do not fear me
I could never do you harm
Why, these fists are weak, this tongue is sweet
I want only to lie in your arms!
Darling...darling, do not fear me.
I want only to love you, to know you
I want to laugh with you--
And when upset, console you.
Darling, do not fear me.
I will only touch your heart
I will kiss your rough skin
I will caress your lips in the dark.
Oh darling, do not fear me
For when I tire of your love
I will not say cruel things
I will not yell, nor scream.
Darling. Do not fear me.
I will leave with a smile and a kiss
I'll be gone in the blink of an eye--
Why, there'll hardly be anything to miss!
Darling, you see, you cannot escape
You will love and be loved
and then it will all go away
Though I mean you no harm and I often say,
Darling, do not...
The tree and the reedAnd when your rage is taken, where is your voice?
When your power is stripped, what is left?
I find it so difficult to be intimidated by you
You, whose bones are the same as my own--
For though you shake me, you cannot break me
And you cannot take what I've known.
If all your pomp is tattered
And you slip from your imaginary throne
If you have no barbed insults to throw
And no gilded credentials to show
Who are you if you stand alone?
So you have more money than I--I see.
So you have at least three degrees.
You have connections and cars and a great big house
You stand as a tall oak tree.
But I am a fire, darling, I am a river
I am the wind and the rain and the sea
I was born of dust and of tears and some old barbed wire
You are a tree, but I am a reed.
Life is liquid, ever changing,
and I bend and I curve with the flow
Never broken, never shattered
Though I waver, still I grow.
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Lilyas has dedicated herself to making our community a brighter place with her vibrant artwork and infectious enthusiasm for interacting with others in our community. It has certainly paid off, as many deviants flock to her page on a daily basis to let her know how much of an inspiration she is. We absolutely agree, and couldn't let all that hard work go without recognition, so it's with great pride that we bestow the Deviousness Award for March 2014, to ... Read More